How to Prepare for an Asteroid: A Totally Unnecessary Guide

Alright, let's face it. Humanity has seriously neglected the whole "end of the world" thing. Sure, we've got the whole climate change/robot apocalypse/alien invasion thing to worry about, but have you really stopped and thought about asteroids? They're out there, lurking in the great void of space; they killed some of the most fearsome and dominant beings on the earth, the dinosaurs—and they could be coming for us. But don’t worry—I’ve got you covered with a super detailed guide to surviving this cosmic menace!

Step 1: Acknowledge the Inevitable Panic, But Make It Classy

First, face the facts: you might not survive this. Maybe the asteroid will hit today, maybe tomorrow, maybe 70 years from now. No one really knows, and that’s half the fun! Scream into a pillow, call your mom to tell her you love her, and then—this is important—put on your finest outfit. Because, if we're going out, we're doing it in style. A black-tie asteroid survival situation, if you will. After all, no one wants to die in sweatpants.

Step 2: Learn Some “Asteroid Speak” to Sound Smart

Nothing says "I’m totally prepared" like spouting off random astronomical jargon. Get these phrases down, and you'll sound like the resident space expert at every apocalypse party:

• "The Yarkovsky Effect!" (What’s that, you ask? Doesn’t matter, just say it with confidence. People will nod like they understand.)

• "It's all about the gravitational keyhole!" (Bonus points if you whisper this one and stare off into the distance.)

• "NASA's been tracking this one... but they’re always a few years behind, you know." (Let the chaos begin.)

  • Bonus: "You think we're safe? Remember when they said Pluto wasn’t a planet?!” (Perfect for sowing doubt and ensuring maximum panic.)

Step 3: Stockpile 

Sure, you could prep for survival with a first aid kit, water, and shelter. But when it comes to an asteroid, let’s be real: you're either vaporized immediately, or you’re surviving long enough to realize that the apocalypse isn’t fun without snacks.

Essential Apocalypse Pantry:

• Canned Beans: A survival classic—high in fiber, which will keep things moving when your diet consists of processed snacks and raw panic. Also, they’re the only thing left after everything else goes up in flames.

• Gummy Bears: These chewy little powerhouses aren't just for kids—they’ll be your emotional backbone when you're staring at a sky full of fiery destruction. They might not save the world, but they’ll save your sanity.

• Jerky (Any Kind): Because what's a post-apocalyptic snack stash without something that can survive on the shelf as long as you can? Plus, it’ll give you that "I'm still thriving" vibe.

• Instant Ramen: Easy to cook and an instant reminder of how low the bar has dropped in terms of dining expectations. Bonus points for the nostalgia of college days.

• Peanut Butter: Not just for your survival protein needs, but for spreading on everything when the apocalypse gets you down. Pair it with Nutella for a sweet, nutty combination of comfort.

• Spicy Chips: When everything else seems bland, you'll need some heat to feel alive. Plus, they’re great for stress relief—crunch, crunch, crunch.

• Costco-Sized Tub of Nutella: You’ll need something to balance out the horror of the apocalypse, and nothing says "comfort food" quite like a jar of hazelnut chocolate spread. Plus, it's versatile—dip anything into it, and suddenly it’s gourmet.

Who cares about health—it’s the end of the world!

Step 4: Pick Your Apocalypse Persona

If the asteroid hits, you’ll want to at least look like you’re doing something. Choose your role wisely:

• The Doomsday Prepper: You’ve been waiting for this day. You’ve got a bunker, a year’s supply of Spam, and a flamethrower (for safety). You’re probably overreacting, but hey, you’ll be the last one to go down—so there’s that.

• The Denier: "Asteroid? Nah. I’m just gonna finish this pizza and keep pretending my internet is working." You’ll be the one grilling burgers while the sky turns orange. You’ve got confidence, if not survival instincts.

• The Party Captain: “If we’re going down, we’re going down with style.” Throw on some "Highway to Hell," crack open the good booze, and host an end-of-the-world rager. You’ll die in a cloud of confetti, and honestly, that’s kind of the dream.

• The Philosopher: You sit in a corner, staring into the abyss. “We were the real asteroid all along,” you say, with a deep sigh. Your group doesn’t understand, but you’re so much deeper than them.

Step 5: Post-Impact Survival (If You’re Really Lucky)

Let’s say the asteroid hits, and for some inexplicable reason, you survive. Congratulations, you’ve just been crowned King or Queen of the Post-Apocalypse. Now what?

• Find Water: Or just drink the Nutella or something. Hydration’s a social construct.

• Learn to Hunt: Well, if they’re not all dead…

  • Think squirrels, but like fancy. You’ve probably binge-watched enough nature documentaries during step 1 to be able to figure it out.

• Form a Tribe: Convince that one friend who knows how to start a fire to join your team. The others? Not so much. Let’s be honest, they’re probably cooked anyway.

Step 6: Relax and Enjoy the Ride (Because, Honestly, You Can’t Control the Universe)

At the end of the day, stressing over asteroids is like worrying about a pop quiz. Either it hits, or it doesn’t. Either way, you’ve got snacks, a sick playlist, and an endless supply of Nutella. You’re fine. Maybe. Probably.

And remember: if the asteroid misses? Great. If it hits? Well, at least you didn’t have to do laundry again.

Final Thoughts

Whether you’re vaporized in an instant or survive long enough to become a post-apocalyptic hero, one thing’s for sure: you’ll go out with style (and a stomach full of gummy bears)!