"The Conservatives should recreate Jan. 6," says Trump following Canadian Election

Note: this article is satirical and written entirely for entertainment purposes. 

On April 28th, 2025, the Liberal Party of Canada won the Canadian election with a total of 169 seats, a mere 3 seats away from forming a majority government. Many Canadians described it as the “most important election in their lifetime”, especially in the face of American threats to transform Canada into the 51st state. 

This mentality was reflected in the exceptionally high voter turnout, with a record 7.3 million Canadians voting in advance. 

“It was unexpected,” recalled one poll booth worker. “I ran out of ‘I Voted’ stickers midway through and had to settle for drawing checkmarks on peoples’ arms instead.” 

This election was particularly notable because Justin Trudeau, who had been the Prime Minister since 2015, resigned only months before, leaving the economist Mark Carney to clean up after his administration. Previously a banker, this is Carney’s first time as an elected official, causing some to raise doubt of his ability to lead an entire nation, even if 95% of the nation is igloos and maple syrup.

His predecessor Trudeau was renowned for his exceptional “face card” and “rizz”, which opponents claim is the main reason he was able to hold onto his decade-long reign as the #1 Nepo Baby of Canada. Carney, however, who is pushing 61, probably appears attractive only to fellow senior home residents (many of whom also have cataracts).

His subpar appearance is of major concern because President Donald Trump has historically placed great importance on other’s looks, often initiating or severing relationships with foreign nations based entirely on how attractive their leader is. 

Some argue that because Carney doesn’t resemble Ivanka Trump, Trump won’t find him appealing, while others cite Trump’s bromance with former president Joe Biden as evidence that Trump does have a taste for older men. There may be some truth to that statement given that Trump homoerotically described the freshly elected Prime Minister as a “very nice gentleman” with whom he was going to have a “great relationship”. He even added that he thought Carney hated him less than the runner-up Pierre Poilievre did, despite Carney being the "so-called Liberal”, revealing the president’s complicated relationship with the enemies-to-lovers romance trope.  

Beyond his aging appearance, Carney’s opponents argue that he simply cannot be trusted to handle Canada’s fragile economy. One particularly vocal proponent is Poilievre, whose campaign largely centered around criticizing Carney’s non-existent carbon tax policy. 

At a recent press conference, Poilievre jealously stated that he should’ve been the one to “destroy Canada’s economy”, but now he’d have to wait until 2029 for a second shot at the election and at Part II of the Great Depression. 

“Maybe China will destroy Canada first. I suppose I wouldn’t feel jealous then.” When inquired about what he meant exactly by that statement, he refused to elaborate. 

Perhaps Poilievre was simply embarrassed that he lost the election in his own riding. Fortunately for him, the Albertan MP representing Battle River generously offered Poilievre his seat, so the Conservative leader was only unemployed for a grand total of three seconds before he crawled back onto the battlefield. The MP’s offer came to no one’s surprise—after all, the Albertans have always had a thing for oil, and what is Poilievre if not oily? 

President Trump was also quick to console the Conservative candidate, suggesting that the Conservative Party should “storm the Parliament” to prove their commitment to true democracy, but that they’d have to “wait eight more months so they also could do it on January 6th… which would lose [the dramatic effect].” 

When asked if he had any tips for how to storm a government building, Trump instantly replied that they could “come riding on top of those fat rhinos… that’s why the Canadians have the Rhinoceros Party… it’s a party of rhinos. A real party of rhinos.”

Upon being informed that the Rhinoceros Party was not actually made up of rhinos, Trump interrupted, stating: “Nuh-uh. That’s not what Fox said. You know, people call me the Rhino Rider. I’m great. I’m the best. They call me the best Rhino Rider they’ve ever known. I can ride rhinos like nobody else can.” 

Anyways, it’s an understatement to say Carney is a polarizing figure. But people from all backgrounds and identities have united to avoid becoming the 51st state. No Canadian wants to be caught under Trump’s orange thumb, which shouldn’t be too hard, given how tiny his fingers are.   

“I voted for Mark Carney because I hate In-n-Out,” one anonymous citizen proudly proclaimed. “I don’t want my children to grow up in that sort of toxic environment.” 

“For sure,” corroborated another citizen. “I voted Conservative, but as long as Carney prevents me from having to sing that godforsaken spangled ‘anthem’ with my hand glued to my heart like a loser, I’ll survive.” 

Other reasons why people wanted Canada to remain Canadian included opposition to firearms, free healthcare, and a deep-seated love for Kinder Eggs. 

Hopefully, the True North will remain the True North for many years to come. That way, we won’t have to give up our penchant for bagged milk.