How to Rob France’s Crown Jewels – and get away with it

(To preface, this article is a satirical commentary on the heist that took place on Oct 19th) 

On the morning of October 19th, the world froze in shock as the first jewelry heist of the 21st century took place, robbing the Louvre of 120 million dollars worth of historic medieval jewels in the span of just 7 minutes. 

Now, if you’re anything like me and your first thought was that this whole thing was Netflix's way of introducing a new season of ‘Lupin’, after scouring the internet and gaining no info other than false hope, you’ll be disappointed to know that unfortunately, this heist was no marketing tactic reintroducing Omar Sy’s return as Lupin and in fact a real life occurrence.

Before getting into the nitty gritty, I have to say, you’ve got to commend the culprits for their creativity. I mean, in the era of digital hackers, data security breaches, and corrupt political lobbyists, these fugitives chose a much more under-explored and forgotten form of thievery--a diamond  in the rough, if you will.  

The step by step: 

It was in broad daylight – 9:30 AM, to be precise – when the thieves set their plan into motion. The 4 culprits were dressed as maintenance workers carrying nothing but their tools and their confidence as they made their way up to the Apollo Gallery balcony using an industrial electric ladder.

Using their tools, they carved into the window of the gallery balcony and made their way in, cool, calm, and collected. At 9:33 AM, they burst inside the Apollo Gallery, which houses all of the Louvre’s special royal jewels, and used their saws to break into two of the cases displaying the jewels. In the meantime, threatened by the criminals, the security guards quickly evacuated all visitors from the room. 4 minutes later, at 9:37, they emerged with eight precious items, including a tiara, necklace, a brooch, and a crown formally worn by the Empress Eugenie, the wife of Napoleon III.

After gathering the jewels, they descended the same ladder, hopped on their motorcycles, and sped off, having just pulled off one of the largest and fastest heists in history. 

While the theft of the historic crown jewels was kind of lame, what was truly heartbreaking was that they dropped the Crown of Empress Eugenie on their escape--don’t get me wrong, it was still very impressive what they managed to steal, but it just makes me sad to see them so close yet also so far from criminal genius. It’s almost as though the thieves were trying to send us a message, a metaphor perhaps, proving that it’s this kind of sloppiness that can hold you back from true success. Quite inspirational if you ask me.  

Solving crimes with style

Alas, at least all the historical jewelry enthusiasts can rest assured knowing that France’s top detective is working on finding and convicting the culprits right away. Though you may be wondering, how can we trust this detective to get the job done? What makes this detective qualified enough to handle such a vigorous case? Well, in response to all these highly relevant questions, I present to you, dear readers, arguably the most important qualification one needs to be a detective – taste. That’s right.  While nearly anyone can solve a mystery, very few can do so all while dressed to the nines. Such efforts require not only impeccable deductive skills, but more importantly a virtuous fashion sense, in which this dapper Parisien undoubtedly has.  

I mean, how can anyone feel worried about the jewels after realizing that the most stylish detective is on the case? I know I’m surely not – why wouldn’t you trust someone in a 3 piece suit?

The Mystery continues… 

In the end, maybe the real jewel wasn’t the crown, but the spectacle itself. It’s a reminder that even in a world where everything is becoming digital, it’s important to stop and appreciate the more traditional things in life.